guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
