And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
