Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
