dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
