His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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