I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
