so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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