hotel room ftw
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
