put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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