i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
