i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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