i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
