Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
