my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
