Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
