i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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