Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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