if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
