did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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