Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
