my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
