upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
