I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
