I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
