I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
