the condom got lost in my hair
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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