I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
