what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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