I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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