Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
