I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
