i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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