'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
