I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
