went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
