As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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