i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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