Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
