i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
