Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
