I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
