I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
