she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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