Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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