he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
