maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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