My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
