he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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