he puts the penis in happiness.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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