I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
