i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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