If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
