Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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