So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
