she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
