Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Randomize
