i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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