oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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